


You Can Exhale

by Meero94



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 11:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meero94/pseuds/Meero94
Summary: And so, Eddie needs to tell Buck how he feels about him, and for him to do that, Eddie needs to tell his family that he’s bisexual. To have at least one person from his family to back him up when things inevitably go south with his parents after both revelations.Two things he needs to do, and they are tightly knotted in his mind. He could have told Buck first. Could have had whatever outcome it yielded to decide the next steps for him, but that’s not what this is about. Whether Buck takes or rejects him, Eddie needs to do this for himself.------Or Eddie comes out twice in one week: once to his grandmother, and once to his best friend.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 57
Kudos: 472





	You Can Exhale

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Можешь вздохнуть свободно (You Can Exhale)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26790061) by [allonsyalika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/allonsyalika/pseuds/allonsyalika)



> _“Why can’t you see how much love there is that people just want to pour on top of you? I can’t help but think we just didn’t do right by you somehow. You won’t tell me who you are. Did we teach you shame? Did I teach you that? Cause it would break my heart if I had. Can’t you see what a good job God did here. Can’t you see how beautiful he made you?”_  
>  -Big Eden (2000)

Eddie sits in his car for a long time, head bowed and his hands gripping at the steering wheel. If it weren’t for the tense shoulders and the white knuckled grip he might look as if he were praying. Maybe part of him _is_ praying. For courage, for acceptance, for a lighter heart. Between him and all of that stands an ocean of turmoil and whirling thoughts.

Eddie isn’t exactly panicking, but he might be a few breaths away from it. For him, panic isn’t quickened breaths and swimming vision. It’s rigidity and a weight that sits heavily in his stomach. It’s fire spreading through his chest and into his limbs, rendering him motionless, even when his brain races at the speed of light. Part of him wants to turn back, drive home, make dinner for his son, maybe call Buck to see if he’d join them. However, since Buck is part of the problem, that course of action might not be the wisest. 

Eddie sucks in a deep breath then let it out slowly. He isn’t afraid of his feelings for Buck any more than he was afraid to acknowledge his attraction to men. In his later years of life, after having a kid and a twice failed marriage, Eddie has become a pragmatic and introspective creature. Things just _are_ to him. He takes them, examines them with care, then puts them in place when he’s done looking at them. Sure, the process isn’t quite as clean or clinical as he makes it sound, but the end result of it is the same, no matter how long he dwells on an issue. 

So, yes, Eddie isn’t afraid of being attracted to men, part of him had always known about that. Examined it, folded it neatly, and placed it on a shelf in his mind that he didn’t dust often. He isn’t afraid of his feelings for Buck either. These are a steady, comforting thing that Eddie has grown accustomed to in the months since he first allowed himself to look at them. _Something so good and true can’t be frightening_ , Eddie has decided a while ago and left it at that. 

What _does_ frighten Eddie however is two things, and these two things seem to be intertwined together beyond any hope of Eddie untangling the mess of them. However he looks at them, Eddie cannot separate the two. Eddie needs to talk to Buck about his feelings for him, and he needs to tell his family about how he feels.. in general. About how he loves. About the way his heart beats.

It isn’t a requirement, and he _knows_ deep in his bones that he doesn’t owe any of them a declaration of his sexuality or who he is. But. This is a conversation over a decade in the making, and Eddie who is a father, a firefighter, and a goddamn adult refuses to cower for another month or year. 

And so, Eddie needs to tell Buck how he feels about him, and for him to do that, Eddie needs to tell his family that he’s bisexual. To have at least one person from his family to back him up when things inevitably go south with his parents after both revelations. Two things he needs to do, and they are tightly knotted in his mind. He could have told Buck first. Could have had whatever outcome that yielded to decide the next steps for him, but that’s not what this is about. Whether Buck takes or rejects him, Eddie needs to do this for himself. 

_One person_ _,_ Eddie repeats like a mantra. _Just one person, Diaz._

Eddie lets out a final shuddering breath, releases his death grip on the steering wheel, and makes the short walk to his abuela’s house. 

He sends a silent prayer to the universe before he knocks.

\----

No matter how old he is, the smell of his abuela’s house remains comforting. Eddie’s relationship with his parents was tumultuous at times as he grew up, his parents' approval ebbing and flowing depending on what standards he failed to meet. They were never bad parents, but they weren’t big on comfort either. Theirs was a house of discipline throughout Eddie’s life, and so his grandmother’s house was a haven in comparison. One filled with his abuela’s warmth and her never ending quest to stuff him with comfort food.

Eddie could have chosen his sisters for this. He knows that would have made far more sense, with his sisters being younger and generally more open minded. He could have gone to his aunt too, who wielded a no-nonsense attitude and a keen eye for details and who probably already had an inkling about Eddie’s feelings for his best friend. Beyond his parents, his abuela might very well be the second hardest option, but possibly the most important one. Which is why he decided to start here. He curses his own decision making skills not for the first time today.

Whatever the outcome of _this_ conversation is, he tells himself, it will be a hurdle he has cleared. One part of the knot unwinded. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s troubling you, Edmundo?” His grandmother sighs from where she sits on the couch across from him. “You’ve been too far inside your own head since you arrived. Tell me what’s wrong.”

To his horror, the gentle tone makes Eddie’s eyes sting. He taps against his knee twice and sits a steaming mug down, trying to figure out where to start.

“You’re right,” Eddie begins, “There’s something I want to talk to you about.” He looks at her for a long moment, waiting for her encouraging nod before he goes on. “I’ve been keeping something from you and everyone else for a long time. I thought it didn’t matter much. That it won’t hurt anyone if it stays hidden and I don’t act on it. But it’s hurting me, abuela. It’s been hurting me for a long time now, more than I ever thought possible.” 

Eddie wills his voice to stay steady but it must give him away, because his abuela moves to sit beside him. She reaches out and puts her hand on top of his, squeezing once.

“What is hurting you, Eddie? I never want anything to hurt you. Tell me.”

“There’s someone I have feelings for, someone I might be in love with,” The words tumbling out of order, without his permission. His abuela’s face clears, she smiles, and begins to speak but Eddie desperately shakes his head at her, so she keeps listening instead. “It’s not just that. It’s a man. The person I have feelings for is a man. That’s what I- it’s what I wanted to tell you.”

Eddie waits for a reprimand. He waits for shock or disgust or anger. It doesn’t come. 

Instead, several agonizing moments later, Isabel Diaz makes a wounded noise, followed by a deep sigh. She raises her hand to cup Eddie’s face and gently tugs until he’s looking at her. Eddie is ashamed to admit he almost flinches at the gesture.

“I see,” She says, her eyes watering. “It’s us who have been hurting you. Did we teach you shame? Is that what we did?” She questions.

Eddie doesn’t answer her. Where his eyes stung before, now there are tears gathering and spilling down his cheeks. Eddie doesn’t move to wipe them off. They have earned their release.

“You’re not angry?” Eddie asks instead.

“At you? No, never. At the rest of us? yes. I won’t lie, Eddie, I never expected this, but that’s on me not on you.” She sighs again, “I’m an old woman, heaven knows how much I’ve known and seen. Maybe.. maybe years ago I would have been less generous, and I don’t claim to understand it fully now, but I never want you to be ashamed of who you are. I never want you to hurt because of us.” 

Eddie feels his shoulders sagging with relief, a breath leaves him and it sounds wrenched and ragged despite his efforts at quelling it. His grandmother pulls him down until his head rests against her shoulder, she wipes at the back of his head and murmurs comforting words in both English and Spanish.

They set like that for long moments, Eddie feeling as if he can fully exhale for the first time in years, and his grandmother speaking softly with her arms wrapped around him.

“How long have you known? Does anyone else know?” She asks after a while.

Eddie pulls back and wipes at his face, smiling when he’s instantly offered some tissues and a now-cooling cup of coffee. 

“I’ve always known, I think, that I like both men and women. Since I was a kid. And, no, no one else knows. You’re the first person I’m telling,” He answers truthfully. He hadn’t even told Shannon about this. “I know _they_ won’t be happy when it comes out. I just can’t hold it in anymore.”

The “they” in question don’t need to be named. His abuela is as familiar with his parents’ set of beliefs as he is.

“Maybe not at first, but they’ll come around. People change with time, and your parents have good hearts.” His grandmother says with such conviction that he almost believes her. “And until then, you know your sisters will be on your side. Your Aunt Josephine too, and me.” 

“Thanks, abuela,” Eddie smiles at her gratefully and kisses her cheek. He feels dizzy with relief. Nothing that comes after this will be as difficult. 

“Now, tell me about that man of yours. Who is he?” His grandmother’s serious gaze lands on him, but her lips twitch with a smile. Eddie feels heat rushing to his face as if he’s twelve again and caught trying to sneak chocolates from the chocolate box.

“He’s not mine,” Eddie mumbles, and his abuela gives him a look that says _and whose fault is that?_. “We really don’t have to talk about this.” 

When that suggestion is met with a steely stare, Eddie falters then breaks, “His name is Buck? It’s Buck. From work. You’ve met Buck.”

Now his grandmother smiles, her eyes laughing at him. “Yes, I know who Buck is. I’ve only heard Chris rave about him and met him every other month for the past two years, Edmundo.”

Eddie brings a hand to rub at his eyes, smiling too. 

“Why haven’t you told him then?” And before Eddie can answer, she adds, “Is that our doing too? That you’re afraid?”

“No, no, that’s not because of any of this,” Eddie answers, which is only half a lie. “We’re very close friends, abuela. You know how close, you just said it yourself. He’s so involved with Chris and our lives. I’m worried about what will happen if I tell him and it doesn’t work out between us. It’s why I haven’t told him yet.”

“You think he feels the same?”

“I think he does. I’m pretty sure of it,” Eddie confides, even though he has never said any of this aloud before, he has thought about it for months on end, “I’m not ashamed of how I feel, but I thought leaving it alone would be best. To protect what we already have.”

“Making that decision for him is cruel, and you are not a cruel man, Edmundo.” Abuela chastises, “You said you’re close? Then you should respect him enough to give him the choice.”

Eddie nods, eyes watering again. This conversation is so far out of the realm of what he expected that he feels the need to lie down, or cry, or both.

“I will,” Eddie promises, “I’ve been planning on it for a while. I just.. I needed to do this first.”

 _Oh, my heart,_ his grandmother murmurs as she cups his face again with gentle hands and draws him into a hug. Against her shoulder, Eddie lets out a breath of pure relief. 

\----

_Making that decision for him is cruel, and you are not a cruel man._

The words ring in Eddie’s ears for days after coming out to his abuela. He catches himself several times in the process of taking them out and looking at them. He never thought of his waiting as cruel to anyone but himself. His grandmother’s words sit heavy in his chest, making him vow to speak to Buck as soon as possible. 

Between their busy shifts and both of them having various family obligations, the chance to speak to Buck alone doesn’t present itself until nearly a week after Eddie’s conversation with his grandmother. 

They’re at Eddie’s house for the evening, having ended work a few hours ago. Chris fell asleep between them after dinner, about half an hour ago, and so Eddie carries him to his bedroom, kisses his forehead, and silently asks Chris to wish him luck as he heads back to the living room.

On the couch, Buck looks up at Eddie’s arrival and smiles. 

“You’re not kicking me out now that Chris is sleeping, are you?” Buck jokes, “Because I was really hoping for a beer.”

Buck gestures towards the table, where two beers sit waiting for them. It strikes Eddie then, just how comfortable Buck is in Eddie’s space, and how much Eddie likes it that way. He smiles and moves to sit next to Buck.

Eddie’s mind is swirling with ways to start the conversation he wants to have, when Buck beats him to it. 

“Will you tell me what’s bothering you?” Buck asks, his fingers toying with the neck of his bottle. “You’ve been off all week. Did something happen?”

Eddie looks at Buck for a couple of heartbeats. There’s no denying how beautiful he is, or how attractive Eddie finds him, but what catches his attention now is the ever present kindness in Buck’s eyes. Eddie has always envied Buck his openness and vulnerability. It is a kind of bravery that Eddie is only now starting to learn. Where Eddie is thoughtful and private with his emotions, Buck wears each one of his for the entire world to see. Eddie can’t help the bang of longing spreading through his chest, even as he sets out for his second scary conversation of the week.

“Yeah, something pretty important happened,” Eddie starts, placing the bottle back on the table and turning to look at Buck, who mirrors Eddie’s movement. “I told my abuela that there’s someone I have feelings for --and that this someone is a man.”

Buck blinks at Eddie in rapid succession, seemingly processing the information. His mouth hangs open for a moment before he frowns. “Shit, Eddie, why didn’t you say anything? That’s huge. How did it go? Are you okay?”

“I just came out to you,” Eddie states, because he needs to make sure that that part registered.

“Yeah, no, I noticed, but you also came out to your grandmother which sounds scarier,” Buck shoots back, his eyes filled with pure concern. Eddie badly wants to reach out and rub at the crease between his brows.

“Definitely scarier,” Eddie agrees and then grins, “But it went surprisingly well. Way better than expected. We even talked a bit about the guy.”

Buck’s expression clears into a bright smile, looking for all the world like sunshine in human form. His eyes are shimmering with unshed tears and he wipes at them with a laugh.

“Eddie, that’s great,” Buck punches his shoulder lightly as if they’re still kids in highschool, and Eddie grins at the gesture, “That’s amazing, man. I’m really happy for you!”

“Thanks, Buck.” Eddie feels light as he says it, the combination of Buck’s blinding smile and him coming out to his best friend feeling heady and intoxicating. 

“And you’re alright?” Buck asks again, his hand nudging at Eddie’s knee then retreating. Eddie fights the urge to take Buck’s hand and place it back there, where his warmth seeped into Eddie’s skin.

“I’m all good. Just needed some time to process all of it. But I’m good now.” Eddie nods, “Feels like one of the hardest parts is over. My parents will be a different story, but I’m leaving that for later.”

“Yeah, I get that. Thank you for trusting me with this. Seriously.” Buck says gently, his tone gone soft. He’s obviously sincere with his words, but something flashes in his eyes akin to hurt. It catches Eddie by surprise as he tries to pinpoint what caused the expression. 

Buck chews on his lip for several seconds, painfully obvious in his distress, and then replaces the expression with a smile that is a mere flicker of the one he wore before. 

“So, do I get to meet this mystery man of yours?” Buck jokes, “Get him the best friend stamp of approval?”

And, oh. Right. Eddie came out to Buck, but he hasn’t told him how he feels about him yet. That Buck is the man in question. That Eddie’s heart has been his now for an embarrassingly long time. Long enough for the idea of Eddie loving anyone other than Buck to be laughable. Eddie’s heart aches with love for him so much, he feels his breath catching with it.

“Well, you’ll need to approve of it for sure,” Eddie says thoughtfully, “Just not in the way you’re thinking.”

Buck’s expression turns puzzled, but he still looks hurt, and Eddie could say more, he probably _should_ say more, but instead he spares them both a long winded explanation and reaches for Buck instead. One of his hands rests against the back of Buck’s head, fingers brushing against his hair, while the other rests against Buck’s cheek. Eddie sees the exact moment realization dawns across Buck’s face, and in any other situation, he would laugh or tease Buck about it. Right now, his focus is solely on Buck’s parted lips. 

Eddie inches closer until their foreheads are nearly touching, but doesn’t close the space between them yet, needing a confirmation first. 

“Buck, can I kiss you?” Eddie asks, voice far steadier than he feels. Against his hands, Buck’s skin feels so warm and inviting. Buck’s blue eyes are fixed on Eddie’s and so Eddie sees the slow blink he does, accompanied by a genuine smile. The sun breaking through clouds.

“Yes,” Buck whispers, so close that his breath brushes against Eddie’s lips. “Yeah. Kiss me.”

And that is all the prompting Eddie needs before he leans in and finally - _god, finally!-_ brushes his mouth against Buck’s.

The first touch of their lips is chaste and innocent, a _hello_ and _oh there you are!_ of sorts, but then Eddie captures Buck’s lower lip and then they’re kissing for real. Eddie thinks distantly that he would never in all his life tire of this or take it for granted. His lips against Buck’s, his hand in Buck’s hair and stroking his cheek, being the one to hear the little noises Buck makes when the kiss deepens. Eddie takes all of it and holds it deep within his chest, letting it warm him from the inside out and settle him deeper into this newly found sense of comfort.

They pull back to catch their breaths, and Eddie takes that as an opportunity to kiss the side of Buck’s mouth, then his cheek, and his mouth again where Buck is smiling broadly.

“So, I’ll take it you approve?” Eddie teases, startling a laugh out of Buck and earning himself another light punch to the shoulder. 

“You’re a real jerk, you know that?” Buck’s voice is too fond to hold any heat, and he can’t seem to stop smiling. Eddie is suffering the same problem. “I don’t know how people can’t see it, but you’re such a jerk. You really had me worried there for a bit,” Buck tries to laugh it off, but the words are too honest for it to work. “Thought I’d lost you to some nameless guy coming in and sweeping you off your feet.”

“Nothing to worry about, bud,” Eddie’s heart aches again, this time for a different reason. If he needs to, then Eddie will spend the rest of his life convincing Evan Buckley that he deserves to be loved, and that Eddie would never walk away from him. “No one else in here,” Eddie taps at his chest, “And I’m not going anywhere without you.” 

And that seems to be the exact right thing to say because Buck’s eyes shimmer even as he rolls them at Eddie with a put upon groan. “Okay, fine. Works for me, I guess.” 

Eddie breathes a laugh at that, relishing the answering grin it draws out of Buck. They’re about to start kissing again, lips a breath apart, when Buck jumps back with an expression of pure shock, his face beautifully flushed.

“Shit. Wait, wait,” Buck says with comically wide eyes, “You told your grandmother about _me?”_

Eddie throws his head back and laughs until his sides hurt.

**Author's Note:**

> So, two things: This is the first time I'm writing from Eddie's pov, and the first time I'm writing a coming out scene.
> 
> I hesitated a lot before posting this because coming out is something I very pointedly haven't written before. I tried to keep this light for Eddie's sake and to have his grandmother say to him what I wish my own family would say to me, so I apologize if it doesn't sound realistic. As a poc myself, I just wanted Eddie to have support and someone on his side from his family, so that felt more important to me to portray than anything. I hope that acceptance is the reaction Eddie would get from his grandmother if he were to come out on the show. As for his parents, I didn't delve too far into that intentionally, but I hope Eddie's talk with his grandma was alright all the same.
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are much appreciated, and you can find me at [sulkybbarnes](https://sulkybbarnes.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, or reblog [the post here](https://sulkybbarnes.tumblr.com/post/622205568174718976/i-cant-help-but-think-we-just-didnt-do-right-by)! Sharing fic posts gives you a special place in my heart!! 
> 
> Please tell me what you think! <3


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